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Jun. 23rd, 2009

so i had written a long post detailing my day .. but it somehow got deleted [before posting]..so ill just say i hate how my mum cant seem to mind her own business. but i still managed to keep it under 1000 despite her telling me what to eat and watching me as i ate it. i feel so fat. ):
it seems like lately i cant just do my thing right someone has to intervene and tell me to eat something and watching me as i eat. and i hate when people go 'omg you got so thin! whatd you do?' .. or when people are like 'shes on a diet' ITS NOT A FUCKING DIET. aah i wish i could cut all my fat off.

is it just me or does anyone else here dont see a future? like, i cant see myself in 20 years..i try to picture it but i cant see anything. is there something wrong with me?  

Fat and fucking WORTHLESS.

So i hadnt posted in my journal since freakin octoberr! 
But anyways...just an update ..
IM STILL A FATASSSSSS!
I STILL HATE MYSELF.
IM STILL SINGLE.
IM STILL WORTHLESS.
I STILL HAVE THIS FUCKIN ED.
IM STILL UNHAPPY.

I AM NOW A SELF HARMING BITCH [yes, i cut myself now]
NO ONE FUCKIN LIKES ME.
I FUCKIN CANT STOP EATING.
IM A DISAPPOINTMENT.

but tomorrows a new month. a new day. a new chance to not fuck things up.
Im gonna try and fast the rest of the week...but we'll see how I do.
stay strong!

fatassss.

Yeah i just described myself in one word.
i need to lose this bulge.
no wonder people dont like me. I DONT LIKE ME.
IM FAT. people dont like fat people.
or at least not  me.

ugh.
THIN THIN THIN THIN THIN THIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Survey...


1. Do your parents know about your ED?

No.

2. How about your friends?

No.

3. Ever been to recovery?

I havent 'been' to recovery...but I have "recovered"

4. How much weight do you want to lose?
 
50-70lbs

5. What do you think started your ED?

Knowing I'm fat and disgusting? Everyone else being skinnier than me.

6. What other illnesses besides an ED do you have?

Mild OCD.

7. Do any of your friends have an ED?

Not that I'm aware of.

8. Does anyone in your family have an ED?

Not that I know of.

9. How often do you weight yourself?

At least once a day. But around 4.

put an "x" in the boxes that apply to you:

[ ] I am or have been suicidal
[ ] I do/used to self harm
[ ] I drink/use drugs
[ ] I purge
[x] I hide/throw away food
[x] I hardly have any friends because of my ED
[x] I never go out anymore
[x] I exercise excessively

Finish the sentence:

1. When I weight myself...I feel like a worthless fatass.
2. I eat...and I can feel myself getting fatter by the second.
3. I hate...food in general, and the fact that its such a temptation.
4. If I were at my ultimate goal weight...I wouldnt be ashamed to wear tight-fitting clothes.
5. If my parents knew about my ED...they would freak out and lecture me/force feed me.
6. I need...to get rid of all this fat.
7. I wish...I were thin.
8. I lie...when its easy....if not Ill just "bend the truth"
9. I miss...eating whatever I wanted when I was younger.

No plan right now. Eating as little as possible.
I need to be thin like NOW.
And I still have MK as my ultimate thinspo ! (: 

Fasting.

For as long as I can go. (: 
21 days is the goal.

Including:

Water, sugar free chai tea, skim milk, black coffee, the occasional diet soda and GUM. (:

 

Wish me luck!

<3

So Ive got a new plan...

Screw the month long plan...
Ive got a new plan...Im going to try it out...

So like you eat one day [but dont exceed 600cals] 
Liquid fast the next
Eat again [600 max]
And fruit fast the next 

Then you repeat it...
Im going to try it out for the next week and tell ya'll if it worked !

Ish day ...

So I ate bran cookies but they were healthy so thats not as bad.
I had a fruit fast today...but I couldnt help myself.
Anyways, I stayed UNDER 400 so I guess that's good? hahaha

Tomorrow will be a challenge, you know with my friends practically putting food in my mouth and all...

But I get to have my makeup done by a smashbox makeup artist, so thats good !

 

Stay strong everyone !

So far so good...

So its been a 'good day' but I dont know? hahaha
Its 900cals day and it just seems like TOO fucking much
Even with a fried dinner [cauliflower...its the only way i like it] I still dont even have 600! 
With my fried dinner im at 544! 

What should I do..? Keep it there or eat something else? 

Thin thin thin !

Bad Day. ):

So I ate about ... 600 cals? and it was 300cals day !
UGH I AM SUCH A FAT FAILUREEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I disgust myself. I ate as I watched Mary-Kate Olsen. WTF IS WRONG WITH ME?!!!!
SHE IS THINSPO!!!!!

Anyways, tomorrow will be good ! (:

 

Think thinnest !

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fat, ed, thin, ana
charliesheen101
charliesheen101

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